That's not a speech. That's a speech!

Canada's NDP

Time for another Royal Commission

Executive Council
September 18, 2008

Premier Announces Royal Commission on How Everything is Fabian Manning's Fault

The Honourable Danny Williams, Premier of Newfoundland Labrador, today announced the appointment of a Royal Commission on How Everything is Fabian Manning's Fault.

"We, as a people, are proud, strong, and determined," the Premier said. "We will not let people like Fabian Manning stand in the way of progress, especially considering that everything is his fault."

Premier Williams noted that Fabian Manning was first elected to office in 1993, and that pretty everything has gone to shit since then.

"This is not a coincidence," the Premier says. "We deserve answers. Fabian Manning owes us. We will stand up for Newfoundland Labrador. We will not take Fabian Manning's big blue shaft lying down."

The members of the Royal Commission are the Hon. Danny Williams, the Hon. Trevor Taylor, and the Hon. Tom Hedderson.

"Let me make it clear that this is not a Blame Fabian Commission," the Premier made clear. "Nothing could be further from the truth. That's because we already know that it's his fault, whatever it is. We just want to know the scope of how much Fabian Manning has shafted us over the past fifteen years, why Fabian Manning has shafted, and continues to shaft us, and how we can prevent him from shafting us further, on a go forward basis."

The Royal Commission on How Everything is Fabian Manning's Fault will commission research teams to prepare in-depth studies into the following subjects:

• how Fabian Manning destroyed the cod stocks
• how Fabian Manning racked up eleven billion dollars in provincial debt through his MHA allowance
• why Fabian Manning made Premier Williams drive with a cellphone to his ear
• why Fabian Manning puts toxic mould in schools
• how Fabian Manning messed up hundreds of cancer tests
• why Fabian Manning won't give doctors and nurses a decent wage
• how Fabian Manning causes potholes, ruts, washouts, and bridge collapses
• Fabian Manning's involvement in the past few years harsh winters
• how Fabian Manning is responsible for delayed ferry departures out of Port aux Basques
• why Fabian Manning gave away the Upper Churchill and why he continues to try and give away the Lower Churchill
• the direct connection between Fabian Manning's laughter at Stephen Harper's lame humour and torrential rains and flooding on the Avalon Peninsula
• why Fabian Manning continues to breach provincial government computer security
• whether Fabian Manning and Paul McCartney are the same person
• whether, after fifteen years, Newfoundland Labrador should separate from Fabian Manning entirely and go it alone

"Fabian Manning is a scourge on Newfoundland Labrador," Premier Williams said. "He is the biggest single problem facing our nation today. We are mad as hell about Fabian Manning, and we are not going to take his big blue shaft any more."

There is no health care crisis

"There are no doctors and nurses resigning in Newfoundland. Never! Our initial assessment is that they will all stay. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR! I blame Globe and Mail - they are marketing for the Canadians! God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Newfoundlanders! Alberta is not worth an old shoe! The louts of colonialism! We will welcome them with shoes! These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying. This is an illusion. The operation continues. Everything is OK. There is no health care crisis!"

Premier Williams Wins Stanley Cup

Executive Council
June 4, 2008

Premier Williams Wins Stanley Cup

Premier Danny Williams is proud, strong, and determined to announce that he has single-handedly won the Stanley Cup, becoming the first Newfoundland Labradorian to do so.

“We got it! We got it!” the Premier said as he skated a victory circuit with the cup raised over his head.

“Never in my life could I imagine I would be so proud to be a Newfoundland Labradorian,” Williams said. “However this isn’t just my Stanley Cup victory, this is the people’s Stanley Cup victory.”

The Premier won the Stanley Cup tonight in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, defeating the Pittsburgh Penguins 3-2.

“Our victory tonight sends a signal to Stephen Harper, that we will be masters of our own domain, on a go-forward basis, with or without the federal government,” Premier Williams said.

The Premier says he is looking forward to shaving his playoff beard and getting back to the important business of governing the province.

“We felt it was important, from our perspective, to go out and win this Stanley Cup. Danny Williams didn’t do this for Danny Williams, he did it for Daniel Cleary and Danielle Butt and Daniel Ashini and Daniel’s Harbour and all the other Dannys in our great province.”

This is Premier Danny Williams’ second major sports accomplishment which he has won on his watch.

In 2006, the Premier won the Olympic gold medal in men’s curling in Turin, Italy.

In 2007, Premier Williams placed second in the Canadian Idol, but was cheated out of the victory by the rigged Canadian government cellphone voting system.

- 30 -

Media contacts:

Elizabeth Matthews
Director of Communications
Office of the Premier
709-729-3960, 693-7291
elizabethmatthews@gov.nl.ca

Andrea Nolan
Press Secretary
Office of the Premier
709-729-4304, 727-0991
andreanolan@gov.nl.ca

"On my watch"

It'll be like there was never a paper mill there, but it didn't happen on Danny's watch.

Seperated at birth

Torquemada and Judge Cameron. I've never seen them in the same room. Have you? Danny Williams is on to something re "inquisition".

Inter-office emails

To: premier@gov.nl.ca
From: dmcguinty.mpp@liberal.ola.org
Subject: RE: That's what friends are for

Danny, thanks for the kind offer. We'll keep it in mind if it comes down to that. Just - please, no seal meat. Or salt codfish.

No, on second thought, the Portuguese like salt codfish too, don't they? Ya, ok maybe sent us up some salt codfish.

See you at COTF.



To: dmcguinty.mpp@liberal.ola.org
From: premier@gov.nl.ca
Subject: That's what friends are for

Dalton -

I heard today about the situation up there on mainland Canada. I suppose you saw our budget today. Finally Peckford's prediction is coming true, the sun is shining and have not is no more. Not literally, the weather's SHIT again today, but you know what they say in Newfoundland, if you don't like the weather, move to B.C. (I love our traditional expressions!!!!!)

We got your back, little sister. Anything we can do to help.

Some musical thoughts to cheer you up:

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...



Keep smilin'
Keep shinin'

Knowin' you can always count on me
for sure
that's what friends are for

In good times
And bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Strategic plans have never been more strategic

Williams Government announces Strategic Planning Task Force

Executive Council
April 29, 2008

As part of Budget 2008 - Strategizing Our Master Plan - the Williams Government today announced the creation of a Strategic Planning Task Force

"It has never been more important to print lots of reports and put them on shelves," Premier Danny Williams said today. "Writing, printing, distributing, and storing government reports is a very fundamental and important part of our economy, and a strategic part of our plan to strategically grow the strategic economy on a strategic priority basis."

The Strategic Planning Task Force which will be charged with developing a Strategic Task Force Plan as part of William's Government’s larger Task Force Planning Strategy.

"Strategic strategy is a strategic part of our strategy to be strategic," Premier Williams said. "Nothing could demonstrate our commitment to strategy or plannning better than our Strategic Strategy Plan which will allow us to plan strategically, and strategize planning in order to optimize our strategy for planning plans to plan strategy for planning strategically, on a go-forwards basis from our perspective. It's also good for the future of Task Forces, an important strategic growth sector for our beautiful province."

The Strategic Task Force Plan Development Phase will be followed by the Task Force Planning Strategy Implementation Phase, under the Task Force Strategic Plan, to be developed by the Planning Strategy Task Force which will implement the multi-year Planning Task Force Strategy on a multi-year go-forward basis.

The Emperor's New Clothes

Here King Danny models his new outfit while on vacation down south before he testifies at the cancer inquiry. Small boys beware, do not point out that the Emperor is naked!