Area Man Pleased that Father-in-Law Picks Up Tab

Local man Mike Hanrahan is pleased that his father-in-law Albert Hines has once again picked up the tab for one of his benders.

"I guess it was pretty reckless of me to keep buying quarts and rounds and wings and nachos," Hanrahan said today. "But my only regret is that one round of Irish Car Bombs. Other than that, I'd do it all over again."

Hines, on the other hand, was less cheerful after settling up with the night manager at popular pub Dicky O'Toole's.

"Just the bar tab, I could have lived with. Maybe even the munchies. But honest to Jesus, did he have to try and dance on that glass table top? He can't even dance. I hope he's picking the shards out of his sack for the next thirty years."

The spectacular collapse of the glass table was only the beginning of the physical damage at Dicky O'Toole's. Hanrahan proceeded to rip the handle off one of the draft taps in a failed attempt to turn it into a beer bong.

Confronted by bartender Anastasia Murphy, Hanrahan became aggressive and verbally abusive, calling the young woman, 20, who has taken the job part-time while studying history at Memorial University, a "dirty little shlut."

Murphy is not dirty or a "shlut".

Patrons who witnessed Hanrahan's drunken rampage are divided in their accounts as to whether his verbal assault on Murphy happened before or after Hanrahan pissed on a row of bar stools, and the people occupying them.

"Even if it had stopped there, and Mike had just left the bar like the bouncer ordered, it would have been OK," Hines said. "But no, he had to drop his pants and shit in the potted plant next to the coat-check."

Freddy Parsons, 33, who was also present that night, says Hanrahan's behaviour was off the charts.

"He wiped his ass with the leaves of the rubber tree, swearing at it the whole time."

Parsons quoted Hanrahan as saying, "Ya f*ckin' Quebec plant! You're a f*ckin' Quebec plant! Go back to Mon Treal, ya f*ckin' Quebec plant!"

While Hines will rescue Hanrahan from having to pay the bar owner, who had threatened to sue, Hanrahan will still be responsible for the dry-cleaning and replacement costs for the bar patrons whose jackets he puked on.

Asked about whether he feels any remorse or embarrassment for the financial harm he has caused to his father-in-law, Hanrahan was emphatic.

"Absolutely not," he said. "Nothing could be further from the truth. This is the way a family is supposed to work. This how it is when you're a family, right Al?"

"Let me put this into terms you can understand," Hines said. "From my perspective, on a go forward basis, if I ever have to do this again, I am going to squeeze the money back out of you like the blood out of an engorged mosquito."